The conflict within continued, for the raging volcano inside me just couldn’t contain itself any longer.
Yet, perhaps I was a bit embarrassed at who I am. Embarrassed, I may not fit in. Embarrassed, of being judged by what you say. Embarrassed, by your expectations and whether i’d be able to fulfil them as a liberated seeker. One not closeted any longer. One known to all.
Perhaps, you would judge how ordinary I am and yet that my heart flows with something quite extraordinary. I was so afraid of your judgment. So afraid of not making the society-created-life-regimen list.
Again, Hafiz remained such a mystery. His words though shining with clarity were clouded by my minds’ resistance. It was impossible to see what He was truly saying:
All your begging bowls at God’s door,
For I have heard the Beloved
Prefers sweet threatening shouts,
Something to the order of:
My heart is a raging volcano
Of love for you!
You better start kissing me—
He made it so clear that you gotta go all out! How did I miss that! Here I was, shrouding within the darkness of my conditioned self. Shrouded within the shadows of the Ego. Lost within the chaos of the mind.
Life seemed to be going on, I was doing fine in my corporate job. I had found a great life-partner to cheer me on and show me a mirror when I seemed to fall off the grid. Yet it all seemed so incomplete. A voice from inside me seemed to be getting stronger, louder; urging me to reconnect with the Self within.
I’d take a dip into the ocean of consciousness within me and pop right out no sooner than I was nose deep. One blessed day, the shackles had loosened. Suddenly, there were so many cracks that the light shone in.
In one single stroke, the deed was done. The fog seemed to clear almost instantaneously. The voice within me said, “Are you really just about existing on the surface? Is that really who you are?”
In this moment, I knew what I had to do. It just wasn’t about being the closeted seeker anymore. It was about releasing and liberating her to live with abandon and love with abandon!
Judge me all you will for it is your love for your principles that make you judge me for who I am! And so I love you anyway!
I continue to be me and to be true to who I really am, for all i’m here to do is be the best ME I can be for the world. For all i’m here to do is in my humble way carry the torch that so many carried and take it across the world again.
It may come to you as a surprise now that I often sat on judgment myself…
To be continued…