Escaping myself, I continued to exist. Dying a little by little day by day…
10 years ago, I was fortunate to be gifted the most beautiful book of Hafiz by my Shri Guru. In it I heard Him say:
“O dance, Hafiz, Dance.
Write a thousand luminous secrets
Upon the wall of Existence
So that even a blind man will know
Where we are, and join us in this Love!”
Yet, it did not occur to me once that Hafiz, the great lover of all times was calling out saying “live with abandon!”
Here I was, existing with everything but abandon. The worries of the world and fitting into it had gripped me so hard that the burden I carried was far greater than one could ever imagine.
Life was nothing but a stupendous load of responsibility, expectations and competitions; all of which I severely loathed.
My hate for life and existence itself had reached its penultimate. It just wasn’t possible to go any further.
“Oh Great One!” I cried out, so many times over and over again. And the only voice I heard back was, “Stay. Right where you are. There. You shall find, what you’re seeking most.”
I continued searching and existing. Existing and loathing. Dragging my feet and looking over my shoulder. And so I continued. Existing.
Everything just seemed to get worse with the passing of time and age. From health to family, to studies, personal life and career. It was all such a drag. Seemed like a curse befalling me time and again.
“What could I rejoice about?” I thought to myself. What secrets would I reveal to all of existence? I’d notice my Guru’s every movement, Her every expression, posture, how She conducted herself, the way She spoke, the words She said, the wisdom and unconditional love she flooded each and every being with, the compassion in Her actions and the bliss in Her existence.
It was all so far out. So unattainable that each time I saw Her, all I wanted more and more was to be Her. And so the prayer my heart resonated with each time was, “May I be worthy of being the beacon of your light & spread your love throughout the world.”
It came out with such purity but remained deep inside my being. The Closeted Seeker was lodged deep within the ridges of the regimented me, the conditioned me.
I didn’t know what it meant to be the beacon of Her light. I didn’t know whether it was possible. I didn’t know whether I was worthy. I didn’t know what i’d have to do to get there. I didn’t know if my prayer was being heard. And I definitely didn’t know whether it would be fulfilled.
Yet, the closeted seeker continued to seek with a righteous heart and unwavering faith. Yet, the closeted seeker knew nothing about the abandon of the Self that Hafiz spoke of when He spoke of the “Raging Volcano of Love” within Him.
It seemed it could all coexist and I could fit in to this world as the regimented me while guarding the Closeted Seeker deep within.
To be continued…