It’s not always easy being really who you are, is it?

Well, at least for me it hasn’t been or I could say, it wasn’t.

I was that school girl who didn’t fit in to any of the cliques.

Although a consistent gold/silver medalist in the 100-200 meter running races, I still didn’t make it to the top favourite or famous girls list in school.

Well, it didn’t really matter. I was that strange girl with oily plated hair, unkempt (read: rather hairy) legs, a healthy body structure (not the petite kind that I’d have loved to have been!), two left feet whether it came to dancing or sports… So you must think, how could I have expected to be a popular girl!?

Of course like everyone else, I wanted to be! Though, what I wanted most was to understand the purpose of my existence. The purpose behind following a society-created life-regimen of:

  • taking birth
  • being named
  • getting attached to the identity with one’s family and surrounding
  • competing to get into the best school
  • going to school
  • competing to be the best at school
  • competing to get into the best college
  • going to college
  • competing to be the best at college
  • competing to get into the best graduate school
  • going to graduate school
  • competing to be the best at graduate school
  • competing to get the best job
  • competing to remain the best at the best job
  • earning money, money, money, money, money
  • finding the most suitable boy/girl
  • getting married
  • being the best spouse, employee, parent, child, son/daughter-in-law
  • and well the exhausting list continues.

In all of this, very soon on into this list, I smelled something severely wrong. “By whose permission was I born anyway!?” This 3 odd year old asked my mother. And so began a saga demands from the Universe.

I wasn’t here to be popular, to gain your votes and appreciation! I wasn’t here to make this exhausting list my life’s purpose! And I definitely wasn’t here to be the best at anything you put me to! I was here to be the best ME the world could ever have!!

The child in me still tried to fit in. Struggled mostly. Failed more. Frustrated even more. The exasperation was directly proportionate to the yearning that grew like a blazing fire within my heart.

I studied under my Guru as Her disciple throughout my childhood and youth and continue to be blessed to do so. The school girls knew I went to an ashram and this only made me more of the “weirdo” I already was. I’d enjoy chanting more than listening to the latest bands. I’d cherish discourses on the scriptures more than the latest best selling novel, i’d enjoy staring up at the moon more than attending the late night parties and I’d prefer a glass of coconut water over any cocktail.

The seeker in me began to grow alongside the one who was trying to keep up with this society-created-life-regimen list. The two me’s were so conflicted. Neither one could have justice and neither one was able to survive beside the other. Yet, neither one knew what to do about the other.

The ‘conditioned me’ fought the Closeted Seeker so hard, she eventually won and became a corporate lawyer at the finest Indian law firm too. As time passed, the Closeted Seeker lived on patiently, observing and allowing the ‘conditioned me’ to live her life till she was willing to give in, just a little.

The light couldn’t shone in until the rigidity was willing to crack a little and allow the light to pass through.

To be continued…

Tags : inner searchintrospectSelf
Rackhee Trust

The author Rackhee Trust

Labels are not sufficient to encompass human beings... they're but man-made limitations to fit our constrained mental perceptions. That said, i'm an ordinary traveller in this extraordinary world. Journeying through this mystical plane of existence, reflecting on the Self, healing the outside through the inner terrain makes life more glorious for me. I bare to you my heart felt stories, philosophical musings, confusion, introspection, mistakes & learnings.

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